


Night Time Feelings

by Therealtrevanian



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Darillium (Doctor Who), F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Look at those fucking idiots, Love, Love Confessions, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, The Doctor Loves River Song, The Doctor Loves Rose Tyler, Trauma, no beta we die like men, no beta we die like river song, they're so in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:15:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29486652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Therealtrevanian/pseuds/Therealtrevanian
Summary: The Doctor isn’t immune to nighttime musings, and he’s never been immune to falling deeply, truly In love. Every moment that passes he realizes how much he missed that feeling.River realizes maybe the dark of her new home is making her less guarded, and god that scares her.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, The doctor/rose Tyler (minor), Twelfth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Got tired of seeing people erase the fact that the doctor falls inlove easily, and a lot. That bitch falls inlove with every other person! Address it!!! Let him falling inlove again not be some unique thing he’s never “truly” done before, let it be fulfilling and familiar. Also let him learn from his mistakes.

It always felt weird, falling in love again. The Doctor would always fall in love, and he always did it full of a mixture of fear and hope. Fear of the eventual ending he knew approached, and hope that it wouldn’t hit him as hard this time around.

Falling in love with River was different, it wasn’t any less passionate or anything particularly new. No, falling in love with River Song was just as easy as every other time. But the fear was different. 

He had known, since the moment she whispered his name into his own ear that he would love her, he had to love her to give away such an important secret. He didn’t want to love her at first. He fought it so hard, daring to change time streams. But River Song was an unbeatable force, refusing to leave him to his own devices. 

The fear this time around was different. Instead of the usual fear of time itself taking her away from him, it was the knowing. It was her command to not rewrite anything, to not save her. 

“Not those times, not one line. Don't you dare” would play in The Doctor’s mind every time he had even begun to consider it, saving her. 

God had he considered it, every time she laughed or made him smile he wanted to go burn that damn library to the ground, to save her and keep her all for his own. That’s how he felt right now, standing at the back door to their garden on Darillium, watching her mark papers in the soft moonlight. 

They’d been there for three months, and in that time River had already established herself at the local college and had gotten a job as an archaeology professor. She’d also begun her quest to dig up half the Damn planet in search of ancient history. She amazed him with how intelligent and curious she was, everything she said was so obnoxiously brilliant and he loved it. 

She looked beautiful, the blue glow of moonlight lit her hair up in a ghostly halo as he gazed at her. Loving her was so easy and hurt so much, but he was forever grateful for it.

When they’d bought the house, something River was surprised The Doctor even wanted to do, the first thing he did was put up a framed photo of them on the mantle. It was of Him, River, and the Ponds all smiling at the camera, they were in front of the Eiffel tower when it was first being built. River was holding her mother’s hand and Rory held Amy’s on the other side. The Doctor was holding River’s other hand, and they looked like a family. It'd been the last trip they had all taken together, before Manhattan. 

The Doctor regretted a lot of things and losing River to the silence was one he couldn’t let go of, he saw the way it affected her everyday. She would look at him sometimes, with this fear. Not of him, he knew she didn’t fear him, the fear was of what she could and has done to him before. She blamed herself so heavily for all of the mishaps that happened in their relationship. Maybe mishap was an understatement for when your wife had been brainwashed and murdered you, but his point still stood. 

If he had been faster to catch up, had been better at seeing what was right in front of him, maybe his best friends could have raised their daughter and maybe his wife wouldn’t have been so hurt. Maybe he could’ve saved her from everything, including the library. 

As if she could hear him thinking, without looking up or moving River called out. 

“Sweetie, if you don’t stop wallowing I’m going to have to come over there myself and I’m actually quite busy right now.” 

Her warning was playful, but also earnest. The Doctor sighed and pushed off the door frame making his way to the small table she had set her work up on. 

“What are you so busy with?” He asks, glancing at her papers and sitting down across from her. 

River smiled and looked up, she looked at him so softly and so full of love. He didn’t deserve it. She was so much more than he could ask for. He had never deserved the women that loved him, they always sacrificed so much. He ruined their lives, how they didn’t grow to hate him he didn’t know. 

River reached out, she was frowning now, and gently cupped his chin. 

“What’s going on with you?” She whispered, looking him over, dissecting his apparent bad mood. 

“Nothing, just tired” The Doctor lied easily, throwing the excuse out hopefully. 

“You’re always tired, what’s going on my love? You seem” She paused and furrowed her brow “Sad. More than usual I mean.” 

The Doctor chuckled and shook his head, River smiled and let out her own huff of laughter. 

“I was just thinking, and I realized.” The Doctor paused, working the words out in his head. He hadn’t even said them to Rose, and god had he loved Rose. He should have said them to Rose. God he missed Rose, she’d know what to do right now. 

He was interrupted again by River kissing him softly, when she pulled back she sighed in apparent resignation.

“You don’t have to tell me Doctor, it’s okay.” She turned her attention back to her marking and The Doctor froze in his place. He had to tell her. This was there last night and he had to tell her. 

Why was he being such a coward? 

The urge to run hit him again, the fear of vulnerability crashing over him like a wave. It had been easier with his first wife, but he had been young then, he had lost so little. It got harder every time he lost one, a person he was in love with. 

It was like they were damning words, a curse he put on people. But River was already dead, he reminded himself. This was her final moments, for him at least. Why was he still holding back so much? 

He steeled himself, and took a deep breath in, staring at her intently. 

“River, I realized, I hadn’t said I love you to you yet.” Rivers' head snapped up when he said it, and she froze like a deer in the headlights. 

“I supposed not, what made you realize that?” She asked tentatively. 

“Because I do. Love you that is.” The Doctor watched River go through an array of emotions as she sat there, staring at him. 

“I never said it, and I needed to. I should have been saying it every day. I love you River Song.” It felt like a million weights had been lifted from his shoulders as he said it, the relief flooding out of him. He smiled and stood up coming to her side of the table, taking her hand in his. 

“I love you. Truly and honestly.” With every repetition of the words it became easier, the weight leaving more and more. 

“Doctor I- I just. You don’t have to say that” River said, voice stern with practiced calm. “You don’t have to pretend for me,” 

There it was. The doubt. River had always felt it when it came to him, and only recently had The Doctor become truly aware of it. God he sucked at this. “This” being a good husband. It killed him, the way she doubted their relationship and his devotion. 

“River please, I’m not lying to you,” The Doctor pleaded, reaching a hand to tuck her hair out of her face, resting it on her cheek. “I know you don’t believe it, but I’m not the stars, or a sunset. Hell! Even if I were I’d still love you. If there were a way for the sunset and all the stars to love you River, they would. Just as much as I do.” 

The Doctor said it firmly, trying to infuse as much truth and honesty as he could into the statement. River blushed and batted him away. Embarrassment about his reference to her speech on the ship apparent across her face. 

“Sweetie please-“ She pestered, leaning away from him. 

“River, I want the next twenty four years of your life to be as happy and wonderful as I can make them. And to do that I need you to trust me,” He pulled her gently towards him, demanding her attention as his voice filled with determination. This wasn’t a request, or a demand, it was just a fact. A fact he needed her to hear and truly understand. 

She stared at him for a while, studying his face. A mix of emotions crossed her mind as she looked at him, and finally she laughed. It was small, and more of a huff than anything else, but a laugh nonetheless. 

“What? What are you laughing at?” The Doctor asked, taken aback slightly. 

“Well I feel quite silly now. You’re not lying.” She smiled and shook her head. 

“I spent so long wishing for this, and when you finally give me it I don’t believe you. How silly is that?” Her voice wobbled slightly but she kept smiling, reaching out to cup his cheek.

“I love you too Doctor” She whispered it, and that’s when the tears finally fell. She laughed again and shook her head. 

The Doctor laughed with her and rested their foreheads together, holding her close. 

“Took you long enough to say it back, would’ve been pretty awkward if you hadn’t.” He huffs and kisses her, properly this time. Full of love, and truth and honesty.

The Doctor fell in love often, and it filled him with such grief and anger and fear. But he couldn’t resist it really, because falling in love was always the most beautiful thing to him. 

She was the most beautiful thing to him. 


	2. Lost Childhoods Still Hold Weight Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River has a rough fucking night, lmao

It had been two weeks since The Doctor had told her he loved her, and River Song hadn’t slept since. Sure timelords didn’t necessarily  _ need _ much sleep, but her human side certainly  _ did _ and being up this long was pushing it. 

The problem was everytime she laid down and tried, she would start over thinking everything. The house, his confession, their entire relationship. Then came the nightmares, in the space just between falling asleep and being awake they would come. Images of her parents disappearing in front of her, or her Doctor leaving her. 

Sometimes they would be flashbacks, back to when she was shooting him on the beach, or he was dying in front of her on those stairs. Or something worse, flashes of almost memory from her childhood or her training. She couldn’t hang on to those for very long but they always snapped her awake more than she had been before, filling her full of fear and adrenaline. 

It scared her how much of the training came to her, occasionally she would find herself staring at The Doctor and her mind would wander off proposing all the different ways she could kill him in the moment. She hated those thoughts, but if she tried to deliberately dismiss them they would come back tenfold, screaming at her telling her all the monstrous things she could do. 

She had been to a therapist for a while, when she was teaching. Just to try it out, see if any of what she had been through could be helped by an actual professional. She felt very adult when she did it, and like her parents would have been proud. 

The therapist she had seen had described these thoughts as intrusive, and a symptom of her PTSD and Anxiety. That they weren’t deliberate, it wasn’t her wanting to do those things but just a reflex. She had to label them, and let them pass on their own. 

That didn’t stop her from feeling horrible when they sprung up. She felt like a monster, she never wanted to hurt her husband. God how could she. 

Ultimately her therapist hadn’t been equipped for most of the things she had brought up and had referred her to another specialist. River had decided that was too much trouble and decided to end it there. 

It was the seventeenth night in a row that river hadn’t slept, and as she stared at the papers in front of her she thought that maybe she shouldn’t have given up on it. In the past hour she had to leave the room her husband resided in because the thoughts had become too much. The images flashing across her mind had become to detailed, too constant. 

She wasn’t sure if he had noticed her anxiety when she excused herself from the room, but as she sat alone in the spare room they had designated her office, she wished he had. The thoughts hadn’t stopped, and the guilt she felt around them only grew. 

River picked up her highlighter and stared at the poorly written lab report in front of her for a moment, the words blurred together and she shook her head trying to bring her focus back. She tapped the highlighter against the desk and sighed, leaning back and pinching the bridge of her nose. 

On top of everything that night, the migraine that was slowly making itself known was not helping. Maybe she needed to tell The Doctor, he could knock her out or something. That would be nice. She’d seen him do it before, just touch her temples and make her fall right to sleep. 

No. 

She couldn’t look into his eyes right now let alone ask for anything, not with the way her mind was begging, yelling, demanding that she hurt him. 

She took another deep breath and slowly let it out, before pushing herself away from the desk and standing up. This was getting to be ridiculous, she was a grown woman and she could take care of herself. The problem was clear, as well as her solution. She hadn’t slept in 17 days, and she was under quite a bit of stress. She needed to go to bed, and take a break. 

She could do that. 

She was a responsible adult. 

God this was hard. River stared at the office door in contemplation, before walking to it and opening it slowly. The creak made her wince, her thoughts screamed at her that she had alerted the enemy. She quietly reminded herself there was no enemy, just her husband. Who she loved. 

Maybe that would help, going against the thoughts directly. 

With that River took another deep breath and made her way forward, every time her instincts said to avoid a squeaking floor board or to step more quietly she did the opposite. Quite honestly it was the loudest trip down the hall she had made in the past three and half months of living there. 

River walked into the living room and immediately her eyes were drawn to him, her Doctor. He was reading a book in a burgundy armchair she had picked out when they first bought the house, it was the most comfortable thing she had ever owned. 

He looked up and raised an eyebrow. She loved these eyebrows, they expressed so much. His last face barely had any eyebrows near the end, and to be honest she hadn’t been a fan. The temptation to draw some on had become almost irresistible before they parted. 

“Marking not going well? You look upset.” His voice was quiet and soft, filling the room with a warm vibration. 

River loved this voice, she would love him no matter what, but god he had chosen well this regeneration. She snapped back to the conversation at hand and sighed, closing her eyes for a moment as she stood there. 

“Migraine, I’m also bloody exhausted.” She opened her eyes again when she heard the armchair shift and squeak as he stood up. 

“You should really go to sleep love, don’t think I haven’t noticed how long you’ve been awake. A migraine only makes sense.” He said as he approached, his scowl created some truly brilliant lines across his face. 

“I know, I know, just haven’t had the time.” She easily lied, ignoring the way she knew she could knock him out right now. Bash his skull in and le- 

She pinched her arm sharply and huffed. Looking anywhere but his face. 

“River?” He stopped in front of her and gently took her hand that was pinching her arm. 

She brought her gaze back down and met his eyes, they were filled with concern now, his frown deepening further. 

“River, what's going on? What do you need?” 

Why did he have to be so fucking earnest. She hated it sometimes, how much he cared. Even when she doubted his love, she always knew he cared so  _ goddamn  _ deeply. 

“Do you think you could knock me out sweetie?” The words came out before she really thought about them, and to her surprise The Doctor didn’t immediately say no. 

“It’s not the best option, but I can, if you really need if.” He raised a hand slightly and hesitated “Are you sure?” 

“I think it’d be best if I’m being honest, can’t do it on my own” She let out a half hearted laugh that turned into a long suffering sigh. She leaned forward and rested her head against his shoulder and took a shuddering breath. 

He wrapped his arms around her slowly and kissed her temple, rocking them both side to side softly. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, his voice filling the space between them. 

“Maybe after I’ve slept, right now if I tried I think I might burst into flame.” River stated matter of factly, hoping for the sweet release of sleep sooner than later. She could find a way out of any serious talks when she could actually have a coherent thought. 

The Doctor hummed in reply and brought his hands up to her temples, softly pressing his fingers into her aching head. 

“Tell me when,” He murmured, backing slightly to get a proper look at her. 

“Just do it already, please.” If she had been more awake and in less pain maybe she would have been gentler in her request, but as she saw it, he should have knocked her out days ago. 

He gave her a quick kiss before closing his eyes, and suddenly the comforting familiar weight of sleep overcame her. The Doctor caught her from falling, gently gathering her in his arms and brought her to their bedroom, laying her down and tucking her in. 

God she worried him. She was like a supernova, so beautiful, but constantly self destructing. Taking everything and everyone with her in her path. He gave her a final kiss on the head before leaving her to sleep. 

The only downside to being fully asleep, and specifically put to sleep by a telepathic force, was the fact that nightmares now came freely and were very hard to wake up from. 

River found herself cornered, the creaking sound of metal all around her as she tried desperately to get away from the long fingers and harsh hands of her captures. She realized she was a child again, as they reached at her through the dark bars of her cage. She screamed for help, kicking at them desperately, trying to get away from their claw like hands. 

She was so small, and so scared, whatever light was in this nightmare realm reflected off the ghastly angles of a pale grey face as it reached out for her again. It whispered at her, condoning her, telling her she was going to be punished for running away. 

Suddenly she was dropped, the bottom of the cage she was in falling out from beneath her, she screamed as she fell. When she landed harshly, she felt wood beneath her palms. She looked around desperately, spotting a woman walking towards her slowly, the sound of heels clicking against the cold wooden floor. 

The woman kneeled in front of her, an eyepatch covering her left eye. 

“Melody, darling, let’s remember what your mission is again. Your one purpose, the only thing I’m ever going to ask of you. Kill. The. Doctor.” The woman reached out, tilting her chin up to look into her eyes. 

Fear pierced River’s heart as the woman spoke, she tried to back away but her grip on her face tightened, digging into her skin. 

“You’re not so useless you can’t even do that, are you? He’s only one man. After that, I’ll let you go, you can be free to do whatever you please.” 

River felt herself begin to cry, the fear truly permeating her mind. The woman stood up again, and with a quick movement kicked River full force in the chest, sending her flying backwards. 

She stood shakily, trying to get her breath back as she looked around her new surroundings. She was at Amy and Rory's house, she could hear them talking from the living room as she stood in their kitchen. She looked beside her and found the eye patched woman again, smiling at her as she leaned against the wall across from her. 

“You can have this, you know. All of it, a new start, from the very beginning this time too.” The eyepatched woman looked towards the living room, then pushed off the wall walking towards River. 

She grabbed Rivers shoulder and turned her forcefully to look at the dining room table where The Doctor sat, fiddling with something on his sonic. He looked deep in concentration as he did so, picking at bits and pieces mumbling to himself. 

He was in his bow tie, his jacket hanging off the chair he was sat in showing his red suspenders and button up fully. He looked quite silly if she was being honest to herself. He also looked vulnerable.

Suddenly there was a knife in her hand, and she looked slowly down at it, and back at him. She turned it in her hand and paused, weighing her options. 

She heard Amy laugh from the living room and that decided it. She lunged forward. As she did the knife plunged into The Doctor in front of her, but he didn’t even look up, let alone react. 

“ _ River!”  _ She heard The Doctors voice, at least she thought she did. It wasn’t coming from the one in front of her though, and it sounded... Scottish? 

She shook it off and took another swing, but the knife passed right through him, like an apparition. She took a step back and paused. 

“ _ River, sweetie wake up, put the knife down,”  _ She heard the voice again, and turned to find it. She knew it was The Doctors, it just wasn’t  _ her _ Doctor’s. Couldn’t be. 

“ _ God I should’ve checked in sooner, and I’m sorry for that, please wake up you’re going to hurt yourself-“  _

River shook her head and the kitchen flashed in front of her, a sudden pain springing into her head as she did so. 

_ “Shit- River come on wake up!”  _ The voice demanded. 

Finally, the kitchen snapped away, and she found herself in the cottage. She was standing in the kitchen, clutching the counter behind her as she held a knife out in front of her. She looked up and in front of her was her husband, he was in what looked like pajamas, face clearly full of fear, and he was holding up his sonic. Like it would protect him from a knife.

If this had been any other situation she might have laughed at this, but as her surroundings fully came to her, River dropped the knife and gasped. She scrambled backwards, practically climbing the counter and covering her mouth with her hands holding back a sob. 

“Oh my god- oh my god are you- oh god-“ She whispered, looking back up at her husband, who suddenly looked utterly relieved. He put the sonic away slowly and approached, holding both hands out like she was some scared animal. 

“River, sweetie, it’s me. You’re safe okay? Look at me you’re okay-“ He took a few steps forward, making no fast movements and broadcasting every movement. 

River let out a sob, he could never hurt her. She knew that. But she could hurt him, so so easily. She almost had. 

“Are you okay?” She whispered, scanning him quickly “God please be okay- don’t let me have hurt you-“ 

She sobbed again and re-covered her mouth, trying to hold everything in. 

“Look! Look I’m fine, you just got scared, it’s okay. You can’t hurt me it’s okay,” The Doctor comforted quickly. He did a turn for her, motioning at his body before looking back at her earnestly, a smile plastered on his face. 

He didn’t appear to be hurt at all, but as River glanced around the kitchen she saw what was clearly a struggle. There were several shattered glasses and two knives in a wall. The dining room table lay on it's side turned at an angle against a doorway. 

“Are you okay? I think you hit your head- can I  _ please _ take a look-“ He took another step forward and River slid off the counter, snaking away from The Doctor as fast as she could shaking her head 

“No- no you’re not safe- You can’t get close, you can’t please, I’ll hurt you-“ She backed up as fast as she could, ignoring the searing pain that now entered her foot as she stepped over broken glass. 

“River shit- stop- just please I’m fine, see. I’m not hurt at all, you did  _ not _ hurt me. It’s okay, we’re both safe just stop moving-“ She noticed his hands were shaking now as he pleaded with her. 

“Please River, just stop, you're going to hurt yourself more. God look at your head- you might have a concussion just let me help you,” 

River brought a hand up to her head and felt the familiar warm tackiness of blood in her hair. She brought her hand down and looked at it, it was thoroughly covered in blood. If she didn’t actually get this looked at it could be bad, and if she was being honest she didn’t want to die in her kitchen, terrified that she almost killed her husband. 

“If I make any move to hurt you, you have to get into your tardis and leave. Okay?” She asked, looking up at him. Her voice shook and more tears sprang to her eyes as she said it. But it had to be done, if she didn’t have control over her own actions, he had to take control over his. 

He froze and shook his head slowly. 

“I could never leave you River, this doesn’t change that. Nothing could change that. You won’t hurt me, I promise.” He paused waiting for her reaction, but she just shook her head again. 

“You don’t know that- what If it kicks in again, what if I-“ 

“If you couldn’t get me while holding three knives, you can’t get me concussed and about to pass out.” He made a good point, and if she were being honest the room was starting to spin just a bit. 

River resigned, her fate was sealed. Even if she didn’t want him to approach at all, she’d rather stay consignant of what he was doing than passed out while he inevitably tried to help. 

“Just. Be careful,”

And with that he rushed forward, taking her into his arms and holding her there for a moment. 

  * ••



Admittedly, this wasn’t the first time The Doctor had sewn River up in a bathroom. Which was a weird thing to say, but weirder was the different circumstances that brought them to those events. For one thing, last time she had been awake when receiving her injuries, and for another she hadn’t been trying to kill him. 

“Mind telling me how this happened?” She looked up at him, eyes still bloodshot and puffy from when she had woken up. 

It took everything in his power not to just use regeneration energy on her in that moment. But that would just cause her more stress and pain, and would probably end with a fight which neither of them needed right now. 

He turned her head back with the hand that was currently holding a needle to her head and sighed softly. She needed honesty right now, and support. Being married this time around was different, but not any less hard. 

“A few minutes before you woke up, you had opened a cabinet looking for something, and had thrown a few glasses.” He watched her wince and look back down, eyes filling with shame. 

“But I guess sleeping you had forgotten about it being open because when backed up you ended up running full force into the corner.” He finished off the last stitch and pulled out a few bandages 

River nodded and remained silent, fidgeting with her hands. 

“River, talk to me please” He reached out, resting his hand on her shoulder in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. 

“I’m just. Worried. I don’t want to hurt you, and I never thought I could again, but. Here we are!” She brought her arms around herself, and squeezed her eyes shut.

It hurt him to see her this distressed, she was always so strong and it was awful to watch her crumble like this. To see her lose that power she always held with herself, to see her lose confidence. 

“I won’t let you hurt me, and even if you did I know you wouldn’t mean to. I trust you, and I will always forgive you. Completely.” He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her cheek softly. 

“I will never blame you for this, or anything like it. You know that. Nothing in the world could make me afraid of you or make me not love you,” He pressed another kiss into her cheek and felt her take a shuddering breath. She leaned in a little and reached out with one of her hands, gripping the collar of his shirt. 

“You will never lose me” The Doctor murmured against her cheek. He moved her face to look at him fully now. She still didn’t say anything but as she leaned forward to kiss him, he knew she had heard him. 

It might take weeks or months or years, but one day River would trust herself. For right now she would have to trust him though, and trust that he loved her. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I did rush the ending of this chapter, and yes it was because I thought the word count was a bit much for a single chapter in what was supposed to be a one shot.

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyye I know I have two other works in progress atm but uhhh.... doctor who 🤷🏻♂️ So here we are! Some doctor who shit! Lemme know if u want some more chapters or smthn :)


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